By Robin Reiser
If you’re like me and love the blaze of twinkle lights and
seasonal sweaters between Turkey Day and New Year’s Shame & Bloat Day, you may at
times let the festivities get the best of your good judgment. Ho-Ho-Hope this helps!
1. Avoid Hallucinogens Before Aunt Ruth’s Annual Tree Trimming Party
Yes, the tree is much more beautiful when
you can smell the colors from the lights and hear the molecular structure of
the Frosty ornaments- but no one will remember the brilliant realization you
had that the formation of the universe happens every time Bing Cosby
sings “White Christmas.” They will only remember that you hurled shrooms in
their linen closet.
2. Keep
Your Christmas Tree in Your Pants
Whether you’re an innie or an outie- you
gotta be extra careful not to let the Christmas spirit carry you into a flurry
of exposing your genitals. This is especially true if the urge hits you in the
middle of your kid’s Christmas pageant. Indeed, a chorus of cheery voices
singing “Good King Wenceslas” has the power to inspire the best of us to
streak. You must keep it together.
3. Beware of
Santa Goggles
Tis’ the season, right? If anyone’s gonna warm
your cookies, it’s that jolly ol’ elf, Kris Kringle. But I beg you to look past
the rosy cheeks and the belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly (yum!) to
the man behind the beard. He has a full workload, he’s exhausted, and let’s be honest,
he’s not into your elaborate “naughty reindeer” dry hump. Plus, the line for
photos behind you is wrapping around the mall. Let someone else sit on Santa’s
lap for now.
4.
No
Holiday Shopping During Coke Binges
Of course it seems like a good idea. After
all, you’re psyched, your sharp, and you’ve got tinsel running through your
veins! Take it from me; you will wind up buying everyone on your list, from
your 2-year-old niece to your life coach, the same Brookstone Versatile
Massager, because at the point of sale, you convinced the sales guy that you
invented it and had to buy them all.
5.
Avoid
Underpants with Battery Operated Novelty Lights
I agree, they couldn’t be cuter- seriously,
who’s not getting lucky in the Rudolph thong that actually glows! Except,
chances are you’re gonna spend a little too much time chugging the festive
punch, and too little time watering the poinsettias, then blammo! The next
thing you know there’s an electrical fire in your pubes. Happens all the time.
6.
Christmas
Parades and Religious Tirades Don’t Mix
I get it; floats with girls waving while
advertising real estate insurance are maddening! Whether you’re pissed off because
there’s too much consumerism and not enough Baby Jesus, or because Hanukkah is
shamefully under represented (again!) this is a bad place to go off your meds,
drink a quart of brown booze and bring your favorite fire arm to join you in a passionate
lecture about the true meaning of anything. Just saying.
7.
Refrain
from Yuletide Electronics Exploitation
No matter how nostalgic you may feel for
holidays past, do not text heartfelt messages to everyone in your phone at 3am as
you weep uncontrollably from the back of a cab you just puked in. Nuff said.
8.
The
Office Holiday Mixer is No Place to put the XXX in XMAS
Yes, jingle bells are sexy. Yes, Pat from
HR does look enticing in that Elf hat. But let’s be straight here, Pat’s not
straight and this will only end in tragedy. If it suddenly occurs to you to
publicly practice fellatio on a candy cane, or go all Fifty Shades of
Christmas on the IT personnel, quickly cool your gingerbread latte with the
knowledge that all the festivities will soon be over…
*Bonus
Tip*
Don’t even bother with New Years resolution- seriously;
it’s a conspiracy to make you feel bad about yourself. Obviously.
