-like a soft drink for people who give a scoby about their health.
That's why when the owner of my son's preschool offered me a starter to brew my own elixir, I was intrigued.
I didn't say yes at first, mostly because I have a long history of killing voiceless living things: Plants, worms, sea monkeys- have all died slow humiliating deaths at my neglectful hands.
BUT, she told me, IT'S SOOO EASY! And your family will LOVE it!
She patted me reassuringly and smiled so huge and gorgeous it was like the holy goddess of kombucha herself was shining her light on ME as a chosen one to raise her pups.
So I said ok.
I read half a million blogs and got the necessary jars and jugs and glass and teas and sugar -
And I was ready!
Like a good fungal fostering soldier, I followed the instructions perfectly. I brewed my tea, dissolved the sugar and waited for it to cool.
I put it in my jug with the SCOBY over it, while uttering gentle words of thanks and encouragement.
I covered it in cloth tightened by a repurposed rubber band, and placed it gingerly inside a cabinet for a week.
AND IT WORKED!!!
My SCOBY was flourishing! Sure she looked like grilled cheese vomit, but she was mine!
And for nine weeks I diligently poured my homemade kombucha into jars and drank it everyday.
Then I skipped a day.
Then two, or was it three?
I could not get my family to drink it, and I never seemed to want it either.
I knew I was in trouble when out shopping one afternoon, I picked up a bottle of kombucha and drank it.
I WAS CHEATING ON MY KOMBUCHA!!!
 |
| Yummmm.... |
After that all fermentation went hairy.
Literally.
Fuzz appeared on my SCOBY, and once that happens- it's compost time.
So there you have it- a fermentation brewery with no brew. A girl with no elixir. A SCOBY dead and buried.
Does anyone want all this kombucha stuff?
'cause I SUCK at KOMBUCHA!
