8 Tips to Keep Your Holidaze From Going Off the Rails

By Robin Reiser

If you’re like me and love the blaze of twinkle lights and seasonal sweaters between Turkey Day and New Year’s Shame & Bloat Day, you may at times let the festivities get the best of your good judgment. Ho-Ho-Hope this helps!

1.    Avoid Hallucinogens Before Aunt Ruth’s Annual Tree Trimming Party

Yes, the tree is much more beautiful when you can smell the colors from the lights and hear the molecular structure of the Frosty ornaments- but no one will remember the brilliant realization you had that the formation of the universe happens every time Bing Cosby sings “White Christmas.” They will only remember that you hurled shrooms in their linen closet.

2.   Keep Your Christmas Tree in Your Pants

Whether you’re an innie or an outie- you gotta be extra careful not to let the Christmas spirit carry you into a flurry of exposing your genitals. This is especially true if the urge hits you in the middle of your kid’s Christmas pageant. Indeed, a chorus of cheery voices singing “Good King Wenceslas” has the power to inspire the best of us to streak. You must keep it together.

3.   Beware of Santa Goggles

Tis’ the season, right? If anyone’s gonna warm your cookies, it’s that jolly ol’ elf, Kris Kringle. But I beg you to look past the rosy cheeks and the belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly (yum!) to the man behind the beard. He has a full workload, he’s exhausted, and let’s be honest, he’s not into your elaborate “naughty reindeer” dry hump. Plus, the line for photos behind you is wrapping around the mall. Let someone else sit on Santa’s lap for now.

4.     No Holiday Shopping During Coke Binges

Of course it seems like a good idea. After all, you’re psyched, your sharp, and you’ve got tinsel running through your veins! Take it from me; you will wind up buying everyone on your list, from your 2-year-old niece to your life coach, the same Brookstone Versatile Massager, because at the point of sale, you convinced the sales guy that you invented it and had to buy them all.

5.     Avoid Underpants with Battery Operated Novelty Lights

I agree, they couldn’t be cuter- seriously, who’s not getting lucky in the Rudolph thong that actually glows! Except, chances are you’re gonna spend a little too much time chugging the festive punch, and too little time watering the poinsettias, then blammo! The next thing you know there’s an electrical fire in your pubes. Happens all the time.

6.     Christmas Parades and Religious Tirades Don’t Mix

I get it; floats with girls waving while advertising real estate insurance are maddening! Whether you’re pissed off because there’s too much consumerism and not enough Baby Jesus, or because Hanukkah is shamefully under represented (again!) this is a bad place to go off your meds, drink a quart of brown booze and bring your favorite fire arm to join you in a passionate lecture about the true meaning of anything. Just saying.

7.    Refrain from Yuletide Electronics Exploitation

No matter how nostalgic you may feel for holidays past, do not text heartfelt messages to everyone in your phone at 3am as you weep uncontrollably from the back of a cab you just puked in. Nuff said.

8.     The Office Holiday Mixer is No Place to put the XXX in XMAS

Yes, jingle bells are sexy. Yes, Pat from HR does look enticing in that Elf hat. But let’s be straight here, Pat’s not straight and this will only end in tragedy. If it suddenly occurs to you to publicly practice fellatio on a candy cane, or go all Fifty Shades of Christmas on the IT personnel, quickly cool your gingerbread latte with the knowledge that all the festivities will soon be over…

*Bonus Tip*

Don’t even bother with New Years resolution- seriously; it’s a conspiracy to make you feel bad about yourself. Obviously.