Being a Good Person

I never thought it was going to come into question whether I was a good person or not. I was pretty sure on the continuum from "good person" to "evil bastard" I easily fell around "decent citizen" with a general intention to always be good or at least better.

Well, I am just about ready to give up trying to be a good person.

Being a good person has gotten way too hard and complicated. It used to be all you had to do was smile at your butcher and not kill your spouse. But now, in today's world, you have to follow more and more rules every day. Rules that seem that seem to split and multiply right before your eyes like gremlins. Rules that aren't based on law, just the ethic that once you are aware that you are ruining the world with everything you do, you should make an serious effort to change.

Now, to be even a decent citizen, you have to recycle and drink organic fair trade coffee and buy clothes that weren’t made by children in Cambodia and make-up that wasn’t tested on bunnies. And make sure you drink your filtered water from reusable canisters, but not plastics because those are made from petroleum which funds terrorists and pollutes the air. And that is on-par with beating children with canned vegetables in a polyester pillowcase.

Still, you have to smile at your butcher, but watch out who you smile at because it may be misinterpreted. Don't smile at the homeless guy, but do smile at the black guy and the Arab guy so you don’t look racist, but not too much so you wont be accused of displaying liberal guilt. Certainly don’t smile at the group of Mexicans outside the Home Depot, because they may mob you. If you really want to help them, write to your congressperson about immigration laws. Definitely take the time to learn about immigration laws.

You should also smile at that bitch at work, even though it’s fake and you know she hates you and wants to steal your handbag, your job and your spouse (I'd kill him!) Smile at her because it’s better to spread love, not hate. If we all just fill our hearts with love and forgiveness the world would truly be a better place.

Not a better place for all the abandoned animals at the shelters though. Millions and millions of sweet, loving doggies and kitties are unnecessarily killed every year in shelters. So make sure you fix your adopted pet. Don't ever buy a pet; adopt! Only total jerk-offs buy their pets now a days, everyone knows that.

It stands that you should still not kill your spouse, unless you’re kinky and you’re role-playing and it goes horribly wrong. Or he’s dying already and you’re killing him is a mercy euthanasia thing that you two agreed on together. In which case that's a fascinating moral dilemma that may land you on Oprah (who is the very embodiment of all goodness). Then you can write a book about it, and your book will become a movie. And when people comment on your amazing success you can sadly look down because you would give it all up for one more day with your deceased spouse. Cue tear.

We've destroyed the oceans by the way, so make sure you don't eat fish which is full of mercury. Not to mention eating fish somehow encourages Japanese fishermen to slaughter dolphins, so you should probably boycott all fish. And don’t eat corn or wheat or fruit because we’re raping the earth to get that to the table. And once the Earth is raped to death where will we go when we want to watch TV? And for God's sake, don’t eat chickens, cows, or pigs. They are are considered holy in some cultures and they can contemplate their existence and are tortured before you buy them all divided up and wrapped in plastic in the meat section. So don’t smile at the butcher after all. He’s a dick.

It's all just too exhausting. I care about these things, I really do. But I can't do it all, no one can. If you knew someone who did everything right, they'd be super self-righteous, obnoxious and annoying, like a vegan. And one day after living so virtuously they'd snap and probably kill their spouse.