Listen up kitty, you're getting old, and let's face it- you're kinda gross.
Here's a list of activities you need to start phasing out of your lifestyle, since they really should be saved for the kittens among us.
10. Pouncing and Frolicking
Decidedly youthful activities that, when done by a kitten are adorable, but are just unseemly when carried out by the aged. We young felines need role models that don't make fools out of themselves over a dangling string, no matter how fun it is.
9. Going into Heat
Can I just hack up a slimy hairball right now? EWWWW! You DO NOT get to go into heat. First of all, why aren't you fixed, you stinky old cougar! And second, procreation at your age is probably damaging to the species! Stop being selfish and make way for the pretty young calico next door. I would rather live for a week in my litter box than have to listen to your gross yowls of horniness.
8. Licking Yourself in Public
Self grooming is one of the staples of feline life, but there's no shame in doing it in private if you're over a certain age! Displaying your limbs and flaunting your scratchy tongue are fine when you are soft and fresh- unlike your matted dried out old pelt.
7. Parading Around with Your Tail Up
6. Stalking Mice...
Or lizards or birds or anything else that is faster than your creaky old bones can even dream of moving. You look like a half-wit hound! Just pack it in and take a nap. Leave the hunting to those of us with spring left in our paws.
5. Basking in a Pool of Sunlight
You know what makes you look pretty and young? Hiding in the dark closet. Try it.
4. Partying with Catnip
You knew it was over when you started wheezing every time you huffed the stuff, then came the embarrassing weeping sessions, and finally the dreaded nip noggin. The hard truth is that a kitty stumbling around with nip in her whiskers is funny when she's young, but just tragic after 30. Sorry:(
3. Kneading Your Paws on ANYTHING!
The sensual action of kneading your soft paws on cushions or stomachs is supposed to remind everyone of the beautiful moments you spent nursing from your mama- when you were a tiny kitten. For you that was way way back before Garfield was born. When you do it now it just screams of desperation and pathetic longing for your youth. Get over it.
I would hope by this stage in life you have a little more self control when it comes to the superfluous expressions of purring. Reign it in, you tired old flea resort - you sound like an idiot. Purring is for kitties with hope in their hearts and a bright future ahead of them... uh, not you.
I know this all may seem a bit harsh- so go put on the soundtrack to CATS and sing the song "Memories" over and over until you feel like throwing the last of your nine lives in front of a speeding SUV. Dying tragically is the most fashionable thing you can do at this point in your life.
Sorry, not sorry.